Strange Thing, 3 March: Your Personal and Very Detailed Hell

Don’t ask how I came across this forum of UK mothers chatting in great detail about what would constitute hell for them — OK, I was searching for information about getting a headache from smelling hops, which were boiling with malts and sugars on the stove in my house and making me feel quite ill, though I will like the beer they eventually create — but I love it! They read like dreams because of the juxtapositions and details. I hope it’s OK to copy a few bits here so you get the idea, and then you can consider your own version of hell (maybe it’s reading these ?).

“In my hell I would be walking a vomiting rottweiler and would be followed by a bagpiper playing arrangements of popular tunes. The whole place would smell of hops and broccoli.”

“It’ll have a shipwreck in it. Barnacley, eerie and with strange, pale, darting fish and the occasional almost-picked-clean skeleton.”

“It would involve rodents, cheap perfume and a bumpy twisty car journey.”

“Being locked in a lift with a moth, naked … and all I had to eat was mushrooms.”

“I would be sitting on a hard chair in a cold draught, surrounded by 21 year olds complaining about something really important.”

“I am stuck for eternity in a villa on some ill-advised holiday with two other families with whom I have fallen out spectacularly. They have odious children.  It is always 90 degrees in the shade. There is no breeze.  There is only tripe and hard-boiled eggs to eat.”

“I would be repeatedly forced to eat food containing lemon grass and to drink chamomile tea.”

“I am watching endless episodes of Neighbours and Eastenders without alcohol.”

“I would be in a butcher’s van, with dead pig carcasses hanging and swinging as we went round the corners. There would be a clown in the corner wearing full face paint and imitating me when my back was turned. … We would be driving to Disneyland.”

“I have not been able to clean my teeth for days, and I am at a Geri Halliwell ‘Woman Within’ seminar. In the afternoon a man from London Zoo will encourage us to have fun handling tropical frogs.”

“Halfway through James Blunt’s third rendition of ‘You’re Beautiful’, it would start raining spiders.”

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